In Which I Quit Making Excuses

(warning, this will be long and rambly.)

I've never been what you would call thin or skinny. My family isn't large or even big-boned, so I can't really blame it on genetics. I'm not sure why it's been this way, but it has and I've learned a great lesson from it.

Even though I was a picky eater as kid, apparently my body found ways to compensate for my pickiness. (And no, I wasn't NEARLY as picky as my daughter is now.)

The trouble began when I turned 12. You know, the awkward age for most girls where you get teased whether or not you start wearing a bra to school. (Or was that just me? I wouldn't be surprised.) My body held on to a lot of my baby fat, and it just stuck around. And multiplied, as the case may be.

I was definitely socially awkward, and so when I got to middle school, it just got worse. I was teased, shunned for being too smart (I read faster than the kids in my Honors English class, and they hated me for it), and finally the proverbial icing on the cake when when I was sexually harassed/stalked by the stupid boy in 7th grade.

Because of this, I turned to food for comfort. The middle school had a room full of vending machines just off the cafeteria. I would save up my money and buy extra candy to take home and hide in my room (a la Claudia from The Babysitters Club. Anyone else remember that?) I thought it was so cool to open up my secret box of candy treasures whenever I needed a pick-me-up. I thought it was great that I could choose to eat ice cream for lunch if I wanted.

What I didn't realize was how I was starting to sabotage myself.

By 8th grade, I had a double chin. I hated looking at my school pictures. I didn't feel comfortable in my own body. This also started another episode where I was struggling with my school work. Several tests later, I was diagnosed with a learning disability called Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, or NLD. It was relatively unknown at the time, but it's better documented now.

But that still didn't explain all of my poor eating habits. I ate fine at most meals, but I was just eating too much. So my mom decided to help me do something about it.

I stepped into a Jenny Craig center for the first time at 14 years old. If you know anything about JC (besides its expense), it's a food-based program, meaning the meals they provide are measured carefully to provide the calories needed daily. It taught me to eat successfully and not let the food control me. It's pretty strict at first, and for someone who ate lunch in a student-filled cafeteria every day, it was even harder. But I did it, and I lost 20 pounds between 8th and 9th grade. I went from a size 12 to a size 6.

I was good about my eating habits for a couple of years, until I hit my senior year of high school. Once again, I began to unconsciously sabotage myself. I felt that twinge of guilt every time I bought the chocolate cake donut before lunch, but I ignored it. I ate Hostess cupcakes and a grape soda for lunch. I started sneaking M&Ms in during class. We ate leftover pie and cup-o-noodles backstage during productions. The list goes on and on. I stayed fairly active, so the weight wasn't quite as noticeable.

It didn't seem to hit me hard until my freshman year of college. Hello, freshman 15. Yes, Hamburger Helper stroganoff, stovetop stuffing, and grilled cheese sandwiches, while very easy to make, will take their toll on the body very quickly. Now that I was completely in charge of my food purchases, my choices changed. Cheap boxes of brownies? Sure, why not? Pasta, rice, whatever was on sale at the store went into the cart.

By the time I graduated from Ricks, I was squeezing into a size 14. Once again, I wasn't happy with myself. Even though I went country dancing every week, I often ended up sitting on the side. I never got asked out, until the very last month of school (by a certain guy who is now my husband). And even worse, my bad habits were now messing with my hormones. I hadn't been "regular" for nearly a year, and I didn't know why. Even the doctor couldn't diagnose me, though she gave me some medication to curb the other side effects. It was really frustrating.

The rest of the story to come tomorrow!