In Which I Finally Succeed

where we left off...

I was now starting my years of college at USU. The first year, I roomed with three other girls that I didn't know at all, but they knew each other. Our interests didn't mesh at all, so I was either the odd man out or I holed myself in my room most nights. Thankfully I didn't have to share.

Most days I ate at the Hub, usually grabbing a sandwich or something similar. On especially bad days, I went for the comfort food: breaded chicken and mashed potatoes. Not such a good choice. I also had a slight addiction to Sunkist, peanut M&Ms, and sunflower seeds. Such great choices, go me! But no matter, what I always found a way to include dessert. My sweet tooth was lord and master over all.

Second year was much better, roommate-wise. This time, it was with people I knew and got along with fairly well. We cooked together often, and it was much easier to make healthier choices when I had support.

But I was still eating too much. My dresses were still tight, and it was getting more and more apparent that the clothes in my closet just didn't fit. I had one skirt and one blouse that I wore for all my Institute Choir events, and it made me feel awkward and insecure.

So in the middle of my junior year, I went back to Jenny Craig. I knew it worked, I had a lifetime membership there (smartest move ever!) and I needed help. This time it was more difficult working off a campus job income, plus the hour's drive to the center since there wasn't one in town. I'm grateful I had understanding roommates who accepted my hogging of the freezer with my food.

The program, combined with all the walking I did on campus and to and from my apartment, resulted in a loss of 30 pounds. I was finding me again!

When I ended the program, it was April of 2003. Ammon had come home from his mission, and we were about to get married. I looked great in my wedding dress, and I finally started to feel pretty.

But two years later, I was at the lowest self-esteem and highest weight in my life.

I used to say to myself, "I don't know how I got to this point," but in hindsight, I can see exactly how it happened. Shortly after we got married, I got my dream job as a proofreader. It was a desk job, with very little exertion required. I was sitting for nearly 8 hours a day. And when you've got a desk job, it's very easy to fall into bad snacking habits.

Someone's going for bagels and huge cinnamon rolls from Great Harvest? Sure, I'll get a few! Snack packs of M&Ms within easy reach? Perfect! Burger King next door with their yummy chocolate shakes? Don't mind if I do! Grist Mill with their amazing sandwiches and sugar cookies two days a week? Yes, please!

Within those two years, I had gained 60 pounds.

And then came the emotional roller coaster of trying to have a baby. We didn't know the first thing about what it really entailed (aside from the basics). But after 15 months came and went with a lot of heartache, no answers and too many questions, I knew it was time to seek a doctor's advice.

In 2005, I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. One of its symptoms is rapid weight gain and difficult weight loss. It explained so much about what I had gone through over the last 10 years, though it didn't excuse my sabotaging.

With the doctor's help and medication, I finally had my daughter in 2006. What a miracle she was! And now I had a very good reason to start taking better care of myself.

After Audrey was born, I started doing Weight Watchers. That was pretty easy to follow, as long as I remembered to account for my food daily. I lost all my baby weight (20 lbs) plus another 20 lbs while doing that and exercising.

I was ready to keep on doing that when BAM! Along came Nathan. I was able to eat better while pregnant with him. But with the stress of moving just before he was born, I seemed to forget my food tracking. After he was born, my body hung on that baby weight. I've been hovering at 220 pounds since then. There, I said it. That's how much I weighed.

I tried to ignore the number as much as I could until recently. In May, I started seeing another doctor for my PCOS symptoms, and he simply said the only way I can change anything was by diet and exercise.

It was then that I realized I couldn't do this on my own. I wasn't strong enough to trust myself. I had failed so many times before, how was I going to go through this again? In the middle of my emotional breakdown, Ammon made the call for me to go back to Jenny Craig.

This time, it's for real. It's for the rest of my life. All those previous times were just a warm-up. I will always have to watch myself when it comes to food. But I can tell you since then, my smile has come back. I feel good about myself again. I am happy.

before -- April 2010

on my way! -- October 2010

If I can pass on that example to my children and to others around me, it's well worth it.